If you don’t want your naughty bits to end up on some random porn site, take these precautions.
Celebrities and D-List reality stars aren’t the only ones with sex tapes. Random couples portray amateur porn performers all the time. Visit any porn site and there will be an amateur section. Some are proud of their work while others are just dickhead boyfriends getting back at exes by showing off their conquests. Here is a guide to keeping your junk off the Interwebs.
5) Be Fat And/Or Out Of Shape
This is one of the few times being on the chunky side is beneficial. Nobody with chunks of fat hanging down is going to want to be filmed on camera. Yes, it’s true, your lover loves you for who you are, no matter if you have the body of a Greek god or the Michelin Man.
But if one party is hesitant to film because of their weight, that’s a good sign a sex tape isn’t in their future. Think about it, when was the last time you saw an overweight, generic porn star? Tossing fetish stuff aside and the stylings of Ron Jeremy (there’s also a Mexican performer by the name of Torbe — he’s good, really good, but portly), most porn stars are in shape.
Nobody is saying amateur sex has to include some crazy shit and off-the-wall angles. But some stamina and looking good on camera is expected.
4) Keep Your Freaky Side In Check
Nevermind all the fun stuff you’ve seen in adult films. Keep your fucking as vanilla as possible. Missionary position is all you need. If that position and only that position is your idea of good sex, the thought of filming your horizontal (and sometimes vertical) mambo will never enter your mind.
Toys, trendy lubricants and watching porn while doing it can be fun. So can filming your sessions. But if you don’t get down that way and never think that way, don’t worry. There will never be a sex tape if your idea of getting freaky is smashing with the lights on.
3) Eliminate All Media In The Bedroom
Your sex can still be wild behind closed doors. Keep all media on lockdown though. No TVs, no cell phones, no computers, no tablets. The lack of electronic devices will ensure some random dude won’t be stroking his meat to your passionate romps.
Most amateur vids are grainy or don’t have proper lighting. That’s because the production value was low (your iPhone doesn’t count) or maybe one person never even knew something was being recorded.
This one is simple. Do a quick sweep of the bedroom. Look for laptop or computer screens. Look for red or green lights — that could be a clue that something is being recorded.
2) Don’t Be A Kardashian
Ah, yes, Kim Kardashian, the one who has successfully transitioned from porn star to entrepreneur. Her vid with Ray J, better known as singer Brandy’s brother, still generates income today. That media came out years ago.
You know, it wouldn’t be out of the question for another Kardashian to make a sex tape of their own. A Kourtney Kardashian vid would be coveted. A Khloe Kardashian tape, not so much. But there would still be intrigue. Mom Kris (is she Jenner or Kardashian? She can never make up her mind) would be a solid addition to the celebrity sex tape library. Kendall Jenner could be a natural at the sex tape game while underage sister Kylie Jenner might just make her debut in a couple of years.
Don’t underestimate the Kardashians. Kim unseated “Baywatch” hottie Pamela Anderson as the most successful sex tape ever. Other celebrity sex tapes have come and gone, but Kim’s overwhelming success has made her a millionaire just for being hot and getting fucked.
1) Don’t Have Sex
Simple. If you don’t do the down and dirty, there won’t be any sex to film.
Unfortunately, you’d be denying yourself of unimaginable pleasure. Have sex! Risk the threat of your genitals being exposed online.
Not having sex is the only surefire way to keep your fucking off some porn site. But a sexless life is a sad life. It would end the human race if people stopped having sex. Keep the sex alive. Just don’t get caught up filming it.