A Modest Proposal For Preventing The Economically Strapped People Of America, From Being A Burden On Their Taxpayers Or Country, And For Making Them Beneficial To The Public

The recession is over? Yeah, right, try telling that to the millions of unemployed or underemployed. Here is a satirical solution to that problem.

Death Dealer | Daily Girth


It is a melancholy time we live in, one in which 99-cent hamburgers are a viable option for sustenance. Every person needs assistance it seems, whether you’re an astrophysicist with numerous doctorates or someone of the female sex with three, four or six children in tow.

The government says it is helping those in need. However, the only consistency in our land is the fat cats in Wall Street remaining fat from W.’s bailout and underachievers continuing to get public assistance while watching satellite TV at home, all at the cost of taxpayers.

My intention is not to benefit the well being of only the middle class. Far from it. Upper, middle and lower class people have been affected during these trying times. Wealthy individuals seek menial labor after losing their jobs. Like Kevin Spacey in “American Beauty.” Except this is real life, and it wouldn’t be all that fun to work at a burger shack while your wife cheats on you with her rival real estate broker.

Life is not as fun as it used to be during a recession. A lack of funds severely alters the way one behaves. Gone are the carefree days of Starbucks coffee in the morning. Window shopping isn’t even an option because of high gas prices. The Value Menu takes precedence over a combo meal.

During the good old days, one would settle down after a long day of work and relax, perhaps drinking a cold Duff beer. Times are tough though. You don’t have that sweet job any more and you can’t afford Duff so you turn to Fudd. Fudd is consumed heavily, because it’s cheap, you have no job (or if you’re lucky, partially employed) and life is bleaker than ever.

Take the appropriate measures and you will be liberated from all your maladies … Remember, your benefactors will have newfound wealth. The road to recovery begins with your demise!


Other consequences during the recession include not providing for your family, not being able to start a family, staying in all weekend, credit card debt, constant job rejections (or worse, not hearing from the job you applied to at all), living in fear that you might lose your job, and ultimately, resigning to oblivion.

I have maturely weighed the proper solution to escape one’s financial woes. Knowing that there is no feasible way to keep your financial head afloat, invest whatever money you may have in life insurance. Take the appropriate measures and you will be liberated from all your maladies.

The number of souls in the country totals more than 310 million. Not all of them are of legal working age, but all need food and shelter. Lowering the population will aide the recovery of economic stability.

Less people competing for precious jobs, less people receiving unemployment, less people consuming resources. And remember, your benefactors will have newfound wealth. The road to recovery begins with your demise!

I shall humbly propose my own thoughts on liberating one’s life. Keep in mind to preserve the lives of others. Although your loss is many’s gain, remember, not everyone shares your dire situation. Some may be able to provide for their family. Or be fortunate enough to be fully employed.

After signing up for life insurance it is important to not extinguish one’s life immediately. At least not blatantly. Your benefactors will not receive a dime if it is found out that you are the cause of your own downfall. Most life insurance clauses say you can in fact, liberate yourself after two years.

But two years is such a long time, you need relief now. Your benefactors need relief. The country and its taxpayers need relief. Figure out a method that will force the life insurance company to compensate the proper people.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I don’t promote this necessary action. The option is completely yours. I have no children nor a wife or significant other to collect such a ransom. My only motive is to benefit the well being of the country and serving the good of the public.

Such actions, if done in great numbers, will relieve the poor, fascinate the rich (who don’t deal with social problems like the rest of us, the rich only deal with existential issues), give some pleasure to the media, and, ultimately, redirect our country on the road to recovery.

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