BCS Pageant Rewards Inner Beauty

The initial Bowl Championship Series standings produce surprising results, pushing powerhouse Oregon out of the No. 2 spot.




Only two more years of this junk. Every year the BCS standings leave people scratching their heads. The computers always seem to have that glitch in the Matrix that gets Neo and the crew in trouble. God damn you, Cypher.

I understand the outrage. Alabama has aced the beauty pageant, but the BCS has two representatives. For championship game purposes, No. 2 is just as good as No. 1.

Duck Sauce

Oregon is No. 2 in the polls, but No. 3 in the BCS rankings. A look at the Ducks’ resume:

Record: 7-0

Previous BCS game appearances: Rose Bowl (2010 and 2012) and BCS Title Game (2011)

Points per game: 51

Oregon, consensus No. 2 with all the lipstick and big hair, scored perfect 10s in the looks category.

The Florida Gators got all the substance points (wins against LSU and South Carolina), which is why they placed second. So what if Gators swimsuits aren’t as sexy as the revealing, two-piece Ducks swimsuits?

Kansas State, Notre Dame and Oregon State are the other undefeated contestants. Oregon State is that participant who’s really pretty, but a bit overweight. It’s nice to see the Beavers there. We all know they won’t be there in the end though.

The Wildcats have already passed their most difficult test with a victory at Oklahoma.

Some one-lossers are still in the picture: LSU, Oklahoma and USC. Those teams all have blemishes. Nothing a little makeup can’t take care of.

We still have an entire second half of the season to see what two teams get the bouquet of flowers. They’ll get to battle it out for the crown Jan. 7, 2013.

Picking Winners

LSU at Texas A&M

The Tigers’ defense is dirty. Can they slow down Johnny Manziel (14 touchdowns, only three interceptions)? LSU wins a close one.

Stanford at Cal

The Big Game in October? Barring any band interference, Stanford is a better team.

South Carolina at Florida

Steve Spurrier teased Gamecocks fans. Florida continues to win, befuddling the Old Ball Coach.

Texas Tech at TCU

The Red Raiders have a tough D. That will bottle up TCU.

Michigan State at Michigan

Aw, a big 10 game. That lowercase B isn’t a typo. The Wolverines win a game of small-time football.

Kansas State at West Virginia

If the Mountaineers played any defense, they could win. Here’s a gamble: West Virginia shocks undefeated K-State.

Florida State at Miami

The Hurricanes have all the power of a morning summer breeze. Florida State wins with ease.



Props to …

Florida: Somehow, this team has climbed to No. 2 in the BCS. Nobody, not even hard core Gators fans, would have believe that in September.

Notre Dame’s defense: These stingy guys haven’t allowed a rushing touchdown all season. Well, Stanford scored a rushing touchdown to tie the score last week, but the play was curiously whistled as over.

Drops to …

West Virginia: Play some defense. Geez, that was pathetic last week. And what was worse, the offense decided not to show up.

Mack Brown: Texas is no longer a college football power. The Longhorns are becoming Miami and before this season, Notre Dame. Texas is just a name.

Lane Kiffin: He has done something nobody thought was possible: stop USC’s offense. Terrible play calling, Kiffin.

South Carolina: Who actually believed the Gamecocks could hang with the SEC big boys? Florida’s going to get them, and South Carolina is lucky it doesn’t play Alabama this season.

Arkansas: Laugh. Laugh harder. This team is the joke of college football. The biggest question is how in the fuck did John L. Smith amass $40 million in debt? This guy has never been a major college football coach until this season (Michigan State and Louisville don’t count as major), yet he lost $40 million. Smith is making $850,000 this season.

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