Dear Gary Bettman, Legendary Nincompoop

Here we go again, another NHL lockout. DG’s Mike Cervantes writes a letter to the commish.

Dear Gary Bettman:

You are a genius and an asshole.

Genius because you have once again locked out the NHL and asshole because, well, you’re fucking up a whole hell of a lot and somehow you still have a job.

Nobody cares that the NHL isn’t playing. Today was supposed to be opening night for the NHL. There isn’t a huge outcry for hockey. Networks aren’t suffering. It barely gets talked about on ESPN. I remember the NFL and NBA lockouts, there were updates on the latest seemingly every hour.

Fans aren’t lamenting the lack of NHL games. The NFL is kicking ass as always, baseball’s playoffs are going down and the NBA’s season starts at the end of the month.

Another Lockout?

Who’s in charge here? A look at the stats of NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman:

Age: 60

Years as commissioner: 19

Work stoppages: Three since 1994, or one every six years

Salary: More than $7.98 million

ESPN was smart enough to sever ties with the NHL last time there was a labor dispute. That forced the supposed fourth major American sport to televise its games on Versus, a network that most people didn’t have. Versus eventually morphed into NBC Sports Network. The NHL was dumb enough to televise two Stanley Cup Final games on NBC Sports Network. I blame that on you too, Gary Bettman.

Bettman is responsible for three work stoppages, a fine example of his incompetence; the entire 2004-05 season was canceled thanks to Bettman’s boobery. You suck, Gary Bettman.

Despite all the mess-ups of the other commissioners — Roger Goodell, David Stern and Bud Selig — clearly you, Gary Bettman, are the stupidest of them all. Yes, the NHL is worth $3 billion (How the hell did that happen? Canada must really like hockey, cause America is mildly interested at best.), but fans will look the other way. That wouldn’t happen with football, basketball and baseball.

ESPN has scabbed itself out by showing Russian hockey games. Way to screw up, Gary Bettman.

If you were a king, your people would have revolted by now and beheaded you. The beheading wouldn’t be a clean cut either, it would be all gnarly with a blade that’s dirty and not as sharp as it should be, so you would feel all the pain.

Speaking of Kings, the most recent Stanley Cup winner is really getting the shaft. Los Angeles does not care about the canceled season, it has the Lakers to focus on. A championship could come their way in 2013. You know, that is a major screw-up, growth in L.A. would mean big things for the NHL. But that’s Gary Bettman for you.

You know who’s getting boned the hardest?


Canada loves hockey. With no NHL, these will be lean times for our Northern neighbors.

In other words, Gary Bettman hates Canadians. I wish Kanye West could say that next to an uneasy Mike Meyers (who’s Canadian himself).


Mike Cervantes
Daily Girth editor in chief

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