Eavesdropping 101: Spider-sense Gets Tingly, Fellatious Activity In A Church Parking Lot And Other Random Tales

You’ll hear a lot when you listen in on people’s conversations. This is the first in a series of articles about using my heightened sense of hearing on unsuspecting and suspecting folks talking about the most outlandish subjects.

Death Dealer | Daily Girth

Here we go folks, part 1:

Spider Bites, Testicles’ Worst Enemy

After a long day at work, Mustafa* got into his car and felt a sharp pain around his junk, as if he had possibly sat on his own balls.

Guys, you know that surprising feeling.

Mustafa thought a splinter might have nicked him so he drove home and didn’t give his yam bag much thought.

Two days later, he had to give his nut sack a lot of thought.

He limped into the work office, telling all of his co-workers he had definite pain in the coin purse. Three days after that, those motherfuckers grew to the size of a grapefruit.

Mustafa’s wife felt scared, these weren’t the genitals she signed up for. The doctor visit happened immediately. Doc looked at Mustafa with one of those what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-and-why-did-it-take-you-so-long-to-get-here faces.

The doctor determined that the cause of pain and swelling was the result of a spider bite. That arachnid somehow traveled below Mustafa’s equator, burrowed down deep, then took a bite out of his plums.

It was a thrilling visit for Mustafa; his doctor and the nurse were females. Two women were handling his genitals at the same time! The ladies felt the private parts gently, spraying some clear-looking stuff all over. The spray was housed in a bottle that resembled common seltzer. What if it was seltzer?

The doctor determined that the cause of pain and swelling was the result of a spider bite. That arachnid somehow traveled below Mustafa’s equator, burrowed down deep, then took a bite out of his plums. Well, one of the plums.

This moment of pleasure — two chicks at the same time — faded quickly when the doc approached Mustafa’s nads with a needle. The acorns were numbed and punctured twice by that nefarious needle.

It was a terrifying ordeal having something so sharp near Mustafa’s family jewels. Despite the thrill of two women all over him, Mustafa was under immense pressure: the previous night he wreaked havoc on his stomach and bladder.

Mustafa had downed 12 Newcastle beers, a shot of Jameson and a shot of Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey. He also ate a burger, chili cheese fries and a 32-ounce soda. The feeling of farting was imminent.

Before the doctor and nurse came into the exam room, Mustafa had ripped a ton of farts. Anytime the two of them left the room it was time for blastoff.

When the girls handled his nuggets he had to exercise extreme self-control. Mustafa had to avoid farting and popping a raging boner at the same time.

The last dreadful act came when the doc used a scalpel to scrape the spider bite wound off. Puss oozed out and that was removed as well.

Mustafa received quality drugs for his agonizing doctor’s visit: 500 mg of Vicodin, 800 mg of Motrin and anti-biotics. Mustafa’s wife said he grew a vagina because a big hole was carved into his cojones.

Getting Closer to God in a Scandalous Way

Pepe* decided to walk to the gym instead of driving. It was only a few blocks away, what the hell, why not?

The walk home was significantly slower because his body was slowed from the weight lifting and intense cardio. The walk became a stroll that transitioned to a quick tiptoe when Pepe saw something unusual.

A small church was on his route home. Parked next to that church was a white Ford Focus with two passengers, an old man and a portly woman. A portly woman going to town on the old man’s crotch.

Incredibly, these two engaged in fellatio during the middle of the day. In a car parked next to a church. Who does that?

There was no doubt that dick was being sucked. The woman’s head was buried deep in the old dude’s lap. Her head bobbed up and down at a rapid pace.

Pepe didn’t disturb them, he simply walked away and went about his business.


Some random dude at the gym got a phone call in the locker room. The two exchanged greetings, he wasn’t pleased.

I think it was his girlfriend or an ex-girlfriend. It had to be, nobody asks a question like this: “What part of go fuck yourself did you mean?”

Come on. That’s an odd question, guy. Kinda vague. Not really something you need clarification on.

That concludes the first installment of Eavesdropping 101. Be on the lookout for future installments in Daily Girth. Remember, people are listening.

* Name has been changed

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