Hooking Up With Iron Man — Really Ladies, Really?

Tony Stark may have an unlimited bank account, tons of swag and adventures that most guys can only dream of, but that glowing, exposed chest is totally peculiar.

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Beautiful ladies, beware: that billionaire that you’re hooking up with should freak you out. Enjoy the lavish food and drink, “Great Gatsby”-like parties and meeting people who spend more on clothes than your entire net worth. Good time, right, now enjoy that post-party sex with Tony Stark.

What’s that, Iron Man naked still has a glowing fucking chest when he’s in the buff? Oh, shit, maybe you thought that was part of the suit.

Naked model lady, have you seen such a thing? This Tony Stark hookup is just weird now. You can’t even get it on in the dark, it’s like a perpetual nightlight.

Girls put up with a lot when it gets down to the point of no return: excess hair, excess stomach, excess penis, lack of hair, lack of excess penis, lack of stomach to the point ribs poke through the skin, scars, smell and other assorted shortcomings. But I’m willing to bet none of these guys have a chest plate that acts as a battery for their heart.

What’s that, Iron Man naked still has a glowing fucking chest when he’s in the buff?

Is this safe? Look at that thing, energy flowing like beer after a half-ass AA meeting. Is it nuclear? He says he needs to charge it. Great, now you’re getting down with something that resembles a cell phone.

Stark goes in for kiss, shit your body will be in direct contact with the chest plate. Forget getting tested for STDs, you gotta make sure you’re not radioactive. Hell, even those guys who do X-rays wear vests and those are low doses of radiation. Direct contact, this could potentially be worse that a loaded money shot!

An unscientific survey of four women asked about the potential of hooking up with Iron Man (the man, not the destructive suit of armor). They were simply asked would the artificial, blue heart be too much of a distraction or could they see past it and engage in coitus?

Here were their responses:

Woman 1: Compared Stark’s unique body part to Edward Scissorhands. Johnny Depp is hot, however, actually getting with him as Edward Scissorhands, that would be a no-no. “Robert Downey, Jr. (who portrayed Iron Man in the films) is OK. But no, I don’t think I could.”

Woman 2: She always thought it was weird. “When he would be naked it would be a turnoff. It’s there and you’re chest to chest and you’re close to him.”

Woman 3: No, she would pass. “I think he should find a man that he won’t have to worry about seeing his chest.”

Woman 4: If she got to know him it wouldn’t be that bad. “What’s so bad about that nightlight? As long as it doesn’t hurt me.”

There you have it. In the first two Iron Man films, Stark got with some certified hotties (Leslie Bibb and Gwyneth Paltrow). Stark even made a pass at Scarlett Johansson. No word on whether Johansson’s character would have been OK with the odd body deformity.

Be careful who you sex up, ladies. There are some heartless motherfuckers out there, but none like Mr. Tony Stark.

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