A loofa crisis could be in the works. This is an open letter to the Bath & Body Works in Primm, Nevada.
Dear Bath & Body Works in Primm, Nevada:
I have enjoyed your bath sponges or loofas for quite some time. My allegiance is with Bath & Body Works loofas and, like a devout spouse or woman stuck in an arranged marriage in a Third World country, I do not plan on straying.
During the last few years I have discovered that your outlets sell loofas at a very affordable price — $1. At a normal Bath & Body Works, I have paid as much as $6. Even at $6, the loofas were worth every penny. Online, they sell for $3.50, but I am not going to buy a loofa online. You have to feel those loofas up, testing their firmness and caressing them gently. Those will be brushing up against your private parts, you better do your due diligence, right?
Although happy with my loofas, my supply is running low. I have noticed an alarming trend during my last two visits to the Primm establishment. The store was completely sold out of loofas. I understand if that happens one time. But two times in a row? My second visit was two months from the first non-loofa trip.
This is not a coincidence, Primm Bath & Body Works.
I am confident I will return to your outlet within the next two months. By then, my loofa stash will be dangerously low. If I cannot purchase vast quantities of loofas at this future trip, it will ruin my day. The turnaround trip will start like most trips that I go on: a big bus full of people eager to win money; we are fed surprisingly decent tamales for breakfast; we also consume the contents from our food bags which include a water, orange, chips and a dessert snack (if you are lucky, that snack is a Snickers); before 8 a.m. many patrons, including myself, are in jolly spirits thanks to well, spirits and beverages of the hops and barley variety.
Two years ago, I loaded up on loofas for the holidays. I bought 15 of them. Oh, the variety your store had that day. The gold loofas were the most special. The green loofas were festive, but they did not have the prestige of their gold counterparts.
Some of those loofas went toward Christmas presents. A $1 shower accessory was never so prominent. If you have loofas from somewhere other than Bath & Body Works, keep them as backup. That was the advice I once gave to a girl I had a gigantic crush on. Wait, had is past tense, it should be have … wait, now I am off track, thanks a lot, Primm Bath & Body Works.
The quality of Bath & Body Works loofas is without equal. It takes at least two straight weeks of showering for those things to loosen up. Bath & Body Works, your loofas are like the Gallery Café at Primm Valley. For some reason, foolish people eat at that garbage buffet in the middle of the casino. For about $5 more, you can eat a very good meal as opposed to gross, greasy food more appropriate for hobos.
It is hypocritical for me to use a money metaphor, especially since I am so concerned with the price of loofas. Paying $5 for five loofas is much better than paying $30. Many of my friends and family have made me the subject of fun because of my loofa love. Loofas pair nicely with Axe or Gillette shower gel. I intend to keep that combo intact. Please, Primm Bath & Body Works, I implore you to get the loofas back. It will be for the good of humanity.
Daily Girth editor in chief