Un-American Heroes

“G.I. Joe: Retaliation,” scheduled to come out June 29, won’t hit movie theaters until March 29, 2013. The reason? Converting it to 3D for foreign markets, at least according to Paramount.

Stony Tony | Daily Girth

“G.I. Joe” fucked us.

Us, meaning the American public. Real American heroes?

Not this summer.

I know the “G.I. Joe” franchise made the military team a more international organization for the film, but America will always be associated with the Joes.

Paramount Pictures made an incredibly strange decision to pull “G.I. Joe: Retaliation,” the sequel to the 2009 action flick, from its June 29 prime summer movie slot to March 29, 2013.

When was the last time a summer blockbuster debuted in March? Never.

Paramount claims it pulled the pic, starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, so it could be converted to 3D. That would satisfy the foreign market’s lust affair with shitty 3D films.

Let me tell you how awful 3D is: I saw “Captain America: The First Avenger” last year with those bulky glasses and it sucked. The screen was grainy and dull with a slight green hue that infected everything I saw.

During post-production, someone, probably some executive whose eyes saw green dollar signs rather than a gross green screen, made the call to convert it to 3D.

Never again will I see a movie that had 3D slapped on after it was made.

Instead of youngsters, teenagers and thirty- and forty-something year olds paying straight cash to enjoy a new “G.I. Joe” film this summer, we’ll have to wait because some Russian 3D theater is opening soon. Americans invade movie theaters during this time, not in March when the NCAA tournament is winding down.

Oh, and the marketing campaign, which included a Super Bowl commercial (average cost of a 30-second spot was $3.5 million), trailers on TV and before movies, posters, toys, viral info on Facebook and Twitter, all of that is down the shitter.

According to Deadline.com, the real reason for the delay was test audiences didn’t like that Duke (Channing Tatum) died. And he died early in the movie.

Some people think Tatum is hot shit right now because he was funny in “21 Jump Street” and jiggles his junk in “Magic Mike;” ironically, “Mike” opens the same day “Retaliation” was originally going to open. It would have been stripper Tatum vs. solider Tatum.

I know Duke is the main guy in “G.I. Joe,” but when the sequel got a complete overhaul, many didn’t even know Tatum was in the movie. One of my buddies said, “you know how I know the new ‘G.I. Joe’ is gonna be good? Marlon Wayans isn’t in it.”

With The Rock leading the way and Bruce Willis coming on board, who gives a fuck if Tatum dies early on? It’s not worth it to tank all that marketing (most films spend about $30 million on that; bigger movies spend a lot more) just to rearrange a movie to be shown a different year and shoot new scenes — which is what is reportedly being done.

Either way, “G.I. Joe” will make money. Don’t expect gigantic numbers in the U.S. in March. I guess more emphasis is on foreign markets now.

In the end, the American movie watchers get fucked for missing out on this summer blockbuster. I have a feeling that this stunt will fuck Paramount and the “G.I. Joe” franchise’s reputation.

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