St. Nick is usually a caring guy, but some things (like a red nose) push him to the limit.
He has to deal with dickhead reindeer, parents who don’t accept him and a serious lack of confidence.
So he’s got a red nose.
It’s not a major deformity. He can still walk, play reindeer games and serve Santa the same way all reindeer do. In the movie, Rudolph covers up his nose with dirt, messing up his nasal cavity, which affects his speech.
Still, his parents give him shit, when the other reindeer discover he has a red nose they give him shit, and surprisingly, Santa gives him shit.
The one person in the world who would probably encourage his reindeer games and unique nose, Santa Claus, decides to act like a fucking dick.
Santa seemed like a Jesus type, one who would see the positive in everything. But no, Santa behaves just like those middle schoolers who make fun of the fat kid, except the kid has shiny nose.
Fuck you, Santa.
Without Rudolph, your deliveries would go to shit. But let’s assume Rudolph grew a pair of balls and didn’t care about his red nose. He’s like the confident guy who’s really ugly, yet somehow nabs gorgeous babes. It happens.
In the movie, Rudolph does attract a young cutie, Clarice. Imagine if she gave Rudolph the confidence to just not give a fuck.
Instead of the quest to the Island of Misfit Toys, Rudolph would sit tight — chillin’ of course — and not worry about Santa and Christmas preparations.
Fuck you, Santa, Rudolph would finally think.
Santa, nervous about the ridiculous storm that will hinder his delivery schedule, would vomit violently. That ulcer acting up again. Or maybe, it’s the result of heart complications. Either way, Santa’s not in a good way.
Health is shitty, mood is foul, elves are screaming like little girls. The reindeer stammer around, anxious that they’ll be pulling that sleigh and won’t be able to see jack shit. And who’s the calm one in all of this?
His fuck-all attitude doesn’t allow for such worry. Santa notices this and doesn’t like it. Rudolph’s smug reindeer grin upsets jolly St. Nick.
Then Santa snaps.
“How can you be so calm right now?” Santa yells.
No response from Rudolph. Why should he address the boss who poked fun at him? Santa was supposed to be the compassionate one. Mean motherfucker.
“Answer me, Rudolph!” Santa demands.
“Why should I fat, man?”
With all his ho-ho-ho spirit, Santa tackles the red-nosed reindeer, the two crashing outside of the workshop. Snow bombards the area. It’s freezing outside, but Santa’s on fire. His blood pressure is through the fucking roof and he needs to relief the stress.
Since Ms. Claus isn’t around for a bedroom tussle, Santa settles for a standard ass-kicking tussle. And Rudolph will be the opponent.
It’s so miserable outside, Santa can’t even see his opponent. Rudolph remains indifferent. He doesn’t want to fight the fat man.
“Oh, Rudolph, come here!” Santa yells in a devious tone. “Let’s get you some hot cocoa to drink.”
Then he can see the reindeer. That bright-as-fuck nose shines through even in a blizzard.
“And I have something for you to eat right, Rudolph … a knuckle sandwich.”
All of Santa’s frustrations are manifested in a vicious punch right across the reindeer’s face.
Santa can see Rudolph lying lifelessly, that nose lighting up the pure snow everywhere.
And that’s when it hits him. The red nose is worth something!
When Rudolph awakens, he’s leading the other reindeer and Santa, making the Christmas deliveries. This is no concussion, it’s real.
Rudolph has saved Christmas! Now, wasn’t that a hell of a lot more interesting than going to the Island of Misfit Toys with that bitch-ass elf, Hermey?
Screw you, Hermey, elves aren’t dentists (although you will make a hell of a lot of money boning patients by charging them ridiculous amounts of money for simple procedures).
Thanks for all your hard work, Rudolph.