You gotta have some laughs, drama and slice-of-life moments suitable for others to DVR on a weekly basis, right?
The Rolomite | Daily Girth
Imagine if your life was captured on TV for an audience to indulge in. Maybe not as invasive as “The Truman Show,” but more real than any of that garbage on E! or Bravo.
Let’s say it gets televised on HBO or Showtime. What are the highlights of your life? The dramatic tension, fights with family members or significant others, curse words unfiltered, the smiles, the cries, the vomit and vicious shits from bad nights of drinking, how does your life make good television?
Here’s a quick look at what my life might be like in front of reality TV cameras.
Middle And High School Years
A lot of video game playing and bitching about doing homework. Beating M. Bison on Level 8 of “Street Fighter II” on Super Nintendo is a high priority.
The biggest dramatic tension would be the thrills and lows of playing sports. Compton Air Force, we could have beat you in a rematch in sixth grade, damn it. The East vs. West Tournament, that was balling at its finest. If you were ever good at basketball, the joy of winning and the hurt of riding the bench can make for good TV.
The teenage angst of watching your school grade crushes in relationships, that sucks. And, hey, what’s that that the camera’s catching? What’s that movement in your bed under your sheets in the lower pelvic region? You’re the only one in it, what could be happening?
TV grade: B; a lot of filthy language and nostalgia that will make you yearn for younger years.
Too much reading. Maybe some good insight during those interview times when I would comment on what’s going on.
But my college life was straightforward. No unbelievable parties or ridiculous encounters with women or stupid arrests.
The best part about college years (from a TV standpoint) would be funny one liners or random stories from classmates. Victories over the Daily Bruin in the yearly Blood Bowl game would be a highlight. I fucking masterminded those victories beginning on Day One of the Fall semester. The Daily Trojan fucking owned the Daily Bruin all four years I played. Fight On!
TV grade: C; this would be a funny season, but viewers would complain about a weak plot.
Perhaps the most mundane of all the seasons, and to tell you the truth, that would probably be the case for most people in the working world.
You go to work, maybe engage in some relationships, enjoy time away from work, dread going to work the next day, repeat. Yes, that would be my life, except when the Recession began around 2007.
Instead of dreading work, finding work became the most important thing in the world. But there were some good funemployment times with friends, lunch beers and random hangouts during the week that felt like weekends.
And the Lakers won two championships in 2009 and 2010. Lowlight: while driving around honking horns to celebrate said victory, a cop pulled us over just cause one of us blew a vuvuzela. It was loud, but why pull us over? That guy was a fucking dick.
TV grade: C; that Recession sure licked balls. A lot of people were looking for work, work that was beneath their experience or education level.
The Reality Show Crossover Season
OK, it’s crossover time. Not a real thing, but hey, it’s reality TV, sometimes these things get scripted.
In this instance my life gets intertwined with “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”
I call immediate dibs on a hookup with Kim Kardashian. What I find hilarious is that so many people are disgusted with this show. They claim they are disgusted by these obviously hot women. Give any straight guy the chance to get at these girls and they would take it. They’d be fucking liars if they wouldn’t.
TV grade: A; I don’t care about “KUWTK.” The Kim K. dibs are all I care about in this instance. The season can be molded to fit whatever storyline necessary.
Hey, what the fuck, isn’t this jumping the shark? I get cancer and well, fuck, this season is mostly sad now. Very few laughs.
In TV and movies, it’s all about the stakes. Bigger is better. Life and death. Fuck, my life this year is literally life and death. And it’s a constant cliffhanger.
TV grade: A; way too much dramatic tension. Good TV though. Compelling, thrilling and heartbreaking.