Who Likes It ‘Raw?’

WWE’s Monday night soap opera for men reached 1,000 episodes last night. A recap of who made guest appearances and of course, smart-ass commentary.

This special episode of WWE (I will refer to it from now on as WWF since I never say WWE in conversations, and the Wildlife Foundation can suck it, why wait till years after WWF was well established to slap a lawsuit together, nobody cares about you guys) “Raw” was a three-hour monster featuring superstars from years past and very little of today’s stars, both very very good things.

The show started with a huge montage of highlights from previous “Raw” episodes. Suspiciously absent were Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash. To say those guys had nothing to do with “Raw” is garbage. Also, Kurt Angle was missing as well, I don’t like the guy, but he played a part on this wrestling madness too.

Vince McMahon opened the show with his trademark music, powerwalking his way to the ring while numerous bowed down in respect for the man responsible for running WWF’s sports entertainment from the very beginning. McMahon introduced D-Generation X (Shawn Michaels and Triple H).

Triple H played to the crowd, ate up the cheers then asked HBK, “Weren’t there more of us?”

The DX music hit again and “The Road Dogg” Jesse James, “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn and X-Pac (the former 1-2-3 Kid, the former Syxx, and of course, the only man who was man enough to film a sex tape with Chyna) came out in jeep, the same one that was used to almost invade WCW. This invasion was real, it wasn’t anything planned by the WWF and WCW. It would have been sweet as hell if WCW had let these guys into the arena, imagine the drama, action and lawsuits something like that would have ensued in?

DX performed their old pre-match routines. Again, the crowd loved it and at one point, Triple H brought up that HBK posed for Playgirl, to which the whole crowd got a kick out of (Michaels really did, by the way). HBK jokingly responded, “I needed the money.”

Who Wants To Watch A Bunch Of Guys With Their Shirts Off?

WWE’s “Raw” has ruled Monday nights for quite some time. Here are some highlights from its 1,000-episode run:

Original air date: Jan. 11, 1993

Channels: USA Network (1993-2000, 2005 to present); TNN/Spike TV (2000-2005)

Matches from first broadcast: Yokozuna vs. Koko B. Ware, The Steiner Brothers vs. The Executioners, Shawn Michaels vs. Max Moon, The Undertaker vs. Damien Demento

A gun named Damien Sandow, who I’ve never heard of before, interrupts DX’s yuckfest. Sandow looks like he’s about to shot a porn movie with his robe and full beard that’s way out of fashion. He was eventually received Sweet Chin Music from Michaels and a Pedigree from Trips.

Minutes later, Charlie Sheen chatted with WWF announcers Michael Cole and Jerry “The King” Lawler on Skype, pretending he had actual interest in wrestling; if he would have told the truth and admitted he wanted to snort some blow off a fake-boobed hooker while chugging tequila and betting $1 million on horse racing, that would have been much more interesting. Too bad he didn’t look all fucked up, he actually appeared normal. Wrecked Charlie Sheen is better than sane Charlie Sheen. Winning.

AJ, a gorgeous gal who is known as being mentally unstable, kicked it in the locker room with another hottie, WWF diva Layla. Layla is also model material. They were killing time before AJ’s marriage to Daniel Bryan, who wrestling fans say is awesome because of his technical ability. I think the guy sucks, if you want technical wrestling, watch the Olympics, they’re coming up at the end of the week. Anyway, AJ claimed she was sane and to prove that to Layla, she opened the door to see what was outside: we see “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, all 58 years old and still dressing in blue tights, clutching his trademark with the 2×4; Rowdy Roddy Piper, most known to me for saying “fuck it” at the end of the movie “They Live;” and some guy dressed in a hand who said he was Mae Young’s son. Yes, a hand costume.

Dude Love (Mick Foley, Cactus Jack, Mankind) made an appearance in a tie-dyed shirt along with a tie-dyed Mr. Socko. Dude Love stuck that sock in Jack Swagger’s mouth.

Triple H did a quick segment with Trish Stratus about doing yoga. Stratus is still a 10, much better than Playboy girls Torrie Wilson and Sable. Sable was also absent from this show, which was strange, she was a major part of WWF’s rise in popularity in the 1990s. It’s not like Hogan, Hall, Nash and Angle, who were probably omitted because of their involvement with dogshit TNA (Total Nonstop Action) wrestling, Sable in real life is married to Brock Lesnar, who has returned to the squared circle after retiring from UFC.

It was time for AJ and Bryan’s wedding. Slick, the Doctor of Style (now the Reverend Slick), came to the ring with his old-school theme, “Jive Soul Bro.”

“A man doesn’t know true happiness until he gets married and then it’s too late,” Lawler said before the wedding.

AJ looked like wifey material in her wedding dress, exquisite makeup and hair all proper.

This stunt reminded me of Stephanie McMahon and Test’s (rest in peace, Test) wedding or “Macho Man” Randy Savage (rest in peace, Macho) and Miss Elizabeth’s (rest in peace, Elizabeth) big event as SummerSlam. Remember the headline for SummerSlam 1991 — a match made in heaven and match made in hell; as a kid, I didn’t know which was which. Hell was certainly worse than heaven, but as a youngster, I wasn’t interested in a wedding, I was more in tune with the three-on-two handicap match between Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior against Sgt. Slaughter, General Adnan and Colonel Mustafa. In retrospect, something like that was a really shitty main event.

When it came time to accept the marriage, AJ screamed, “Yes, yes, yes,” Bryan’s new catch phrase after WrestleMania this year. AJ’s affirmation was quite intense, almost erotic, as if she were sexing it up in the bedroom. It was incredibly hot.

She said she wasn’t saying yes to Bryan’s marriage, but to another proposal from earlier. The look on Slick’s face was priceless. He didn’t play it straight like a normal minister, his bugged out eyes and mouth all agape said it all. Speaking of Slick’s turn from the dark side, remember when Bobby “The Brain” Heenan stole money from the collection basket at church? I don’t think “Mean Gene” Okerlund liked that shit.

Turns out that AJ, insanity and all, was announced as “Raw’s” new general manager by none other than McMahon himself. I didn’t think he would marry her, we all know he’s hitched to Linda McMahon already, a woman who in real life has run for and lost a seat on the U.S. senate. Linda McMahon will attempt to run again later this year.

After the commercial break CM Punk, another guy that wrestling fans seem to like, but I think is so-so, came out, to make fun of Bryan. Delusional Bryan claimed he was the greatest current wrestler and strangely, the greatest of all time. Naturally, The Rock had to bust that circus up. The Great One made fun of Bryan and ended up hitting him with the Rock Bottom. He also announced he would face the WWF champion at the Royal Rumble in January.

Bret “The Hitman” Hart, a guy who legitimately could claim a spot as the greatest of all time, came out to announce the two participants in the Intercontinental title match, The Miz versus the champion, Christian. The Miz, best known for MTV’s “The Real World,” won the strap.

Triple H came to the ring again, this time to demand that Brock Lesnar accept his challenge for a match at SummerSlam. Lesnar broke the Game’s arm three months ago. The former UFC champ denied the challenge through his advocate, perennial bag guy manager Paul Heyman. Stephanie McMahon had to make an appearance, looked hot (not sure if she still has her fake breasts), and helped goad Heyman into taking the match.

Lesnar eventually made his appearance, charging the ring, doing the whole good-guy-exchanges-punches-with-bad-guy routine. Triple H got the better of Lesnar by clotheslining him out of the ring. An irate Lesnar threw his shirt toward the Game, yelling “Fuck off,” which was so audible, WWF had to cut the sound for that half second. He must have thought this was a UFC pay per view.

Longtime WWF announcer Howard Finkel introduced some guy named Heath Slater, who looks suspiciously like Edge. He took on a “Raw” legend, high-flying diva Lita. Her body is still as taut as ever. She defeated Slater in a no-disqualification match thanks to some help and intimidation from “Raw” legends the APA (Faarooq and Bradshaw), Road Warrior Animal (rest in peace, Hawk), Doink the Clown, Rikishi (I thought he died), Sgt. Slaughter, Pyscho Sid (or Sid Vicious or Sid Justice, whatever you want to call him), Bob Backlund, Big Van Vader (the similarity to Bane from “The Dark Knight Rises” is eerie), Piper and Diamond Dallas Page. Bradshaw did most of the work with a vicious Clothesline From Hell, which Slater sold extremely well. Lita finished off this scrub opponent with an excellent moonsault.

Kane came out for a match. Six random wrestlers approached the ring looking to make a name for themselves, surrounding the Big Red Monster. Unfortunately for them, The Undertaker joined his brother in the unfair fight. Unfair for the six. They were promptly dispatched with ease. If those six really wanted to kick Kane’s ass they could have done so while Undertaker made his long-ass entrance. As the Brothers of Destruction posed after their beating, I hoped the arena speakers would blast one of Undertaker’s old theme songs, “Rollin’” by Limp Bizkit.

The final match of the evening was a WWF title match between CM Punk and John Cena. Like all over-the-top championship encounters, other wrestlers got involved, namely The Big Show and The Rock. Punk retained the title, but like all good wrestling endings, set up future encounters somehow involving the four of them.

Thanks for the memories, “Raw.” For your viewing and listening pleasure, Slick’s “Jive Soul Bro” follows this story. It is totally worth the time to watch.

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