You Sank My Battleship!

How did this mundane board game become a Hollywood big-budget film? It remains to be seen if it will translate to big business at the box office.

The Rolomite | Daily Girth


Hasbro has been killing it in recent years. The toymaker has made loads of money thanks to its “Transformers” franchise. It could swim in cash the same way Scrooge McDuck dogpaddles through gold coins.

The sequel to “G.I. Joe’s” drops this summer with the Rock and Bruce Willis leading the charge against Cobra.

“Transformers” and “G.I. Joe” made sense as summer blockbusters. If you were an ‘80s kid, you must have craved live-action versions of these toys-turned cartoons.

Here’s what you wouldn’t have heard from an ‘80s kid: “You know what would be a kick-ass movie, that board game Battleship.”

What in the hell? A board game? One that wasn’t very good, you think would be a good movie?

Somebody thought that would fly so here we are. Qui-Gon Jinn, I mean Liam Neeson, Taylor Kitsch from that shitty “John Carter” movie, Turtle from “Entourage” and the guy from “Ally McBeal” who also played Janosz in “Ghostbusters II” (he was the guy who had a mean hard-on for Vigo, that ugly painting) were slapped together to make a blockbuster. Super hotties Rihanna and Brooklyn Decker were added for extra hotness.

Oh, and there are aliens.

The fuck you say?

Aliens? There weren’t any fucking aliens in the board game Battleship.

When trailers for this film came out I was intrigued. It looked exactly like “Transformers,” except that couldn’t be, the third film came out just last year. Optimus Prime wouldn’t be ready for another battle, he got his ass kicked by Sentinel Prime. He did even have a fucking arm after that fight.

To find out this was “Battleship,” it was like seeing your fourth grade teacher making out with someone in public. And not recently, we’re talking witnessing this when you’re in the fourth grade. What conflicted feelings, do you tell your parents or friends? Do you confront your teacher? Everything is so damn confusing!

That’s the confusion of “Battleship.” Sure, there are actual battleships and shit blows up. But unless those aliens take control of said battleships, it’s unlikely we’ll actually get to see battleship-on-battleship action.

Conventional wisdom says a film like this will claim the No. 1 spot for the weekend. Two things could derail this thought: one is that “The Avengers” will continue to dominate since it’s already made more than $1 billion and word of mouth is strong. And two is “Battleship” could suck.

It will be nice to see a bunch of random shit flying all over the screen, humans trying to conquer all-powerful aliens only to discover a weakness to finally bring them down.

“Battleship” opens Friday. Do not be surprised if this one flops.

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